After a Break-up

When a relationship ends

A break-up is a loss, and it can hurt like one. You might miss the person, the plans you made together and the routine you shared. Some days you feel fine, and the next day it all comes back.

This is true whether you were together for months or for years, and whether you ended it or they did. There is no right length of time to feel better.

You might find support helpful when

• You cannot stop thinking about your ex, or checking what they are doing
• You feel you have lost part of yourself along with the relationship
• Sleep, work or friendships have not settled since it ended
• You keep asking what you did wrong
• You see the same pattern in one relationship after another
• You want to feel ready to meet someone new, and you are not there yet

Who you are without them

Over time, couples share friends, interests and even a sense of who they are. When the relationship ends, that shared part can go with it.

Research finds that many people feel less sure of who they are after a break-up. That loss of a clear sense of self is linked to more distress.

Recovery often comes as that picture becomes clear again. In one study, people whose sense of self grew clearer over nine weeks felt less lonely. They also had fewer unwanted thoughts about the break-up.

You might start with small things you set aside. That could be a friend you saw less, a hobby you stopped or a place you wanted to go.

Sources: Slotter, Gardner & Finkel 2010, Larson & Sbarra 2015

What can grow from it

Pain and growth often arrive together. In one study, people after a recent break-up named five ways they had grown, on average. They thought these changes might help their future relationships.

Growth can mean knowing what you need from a partner, speaking up sooner or trusting your own judgement more. When a relationship left little room to grow, people often report rediscovering themselves after it ends.

Much of this research studied students and young adults, so it cannot describe every break-up. Growth does not mean the relationship was a mistake. It also does not mean you have to feel grateful for the pain.

Sources: Tashiro & Frazier 2003, Lewandowski & Bizzoco 2007

Small steps that can help

• Write about it. In one study, people wrote about the good side of their break-up. Straight afterwards, they felt more positive than people who wrote about the hard parts.
• Take some distance online. People who often checked an ex's social media felt more distress and longing. They also reported less growth. Muting or unfollowing for a while can make that easier.
• Lean on the people around you. Friends and family can remind you who you are.
• Go at your own pace. Healing is rarely a straight line. A hard day after a good week is part of it.

Sources: Lewandowski 2009, Marshall 2012

Ready to love again

No clock tells you when you are ready to love again. You may notice it when you think about your ex with less pain. Meeting someone new may start to feel exciting rather than a way to escape being alone.

If you see the same pattern again and again, talking it through can help you understand where it comes from. Our low self-esteem page may help if the break-up has left you doubting your worth.

Still deciding whether to leave, or sorting out children or a home? Our separating and divorce page covers those steps.

Who to look for

Look for a professional who names relationships, break-ups or self-esteem in their profile. Some focus on recovery and confidence, and others help you look at patterns from your past.

You can say as much or as little as you like in a first message.