Affairs and Trust

When trust has been broken

Finding out about an affair can feel like the ground has gone. Shock, anger and disbelief often come first. Some people feel sick, or cannot stop going over the details.

Having an affair can hurt too, in a different way. Regret, guilt and confusion about what you want can sit side by side.

Both are common. Neither one means you already know what happens next.

You might find support helpful when

• You have found out about an affair and cannot stop thinking about it
• You have had an affair and do not know how to talk about it
• You both want to try again but keep getting stuck
• One of you wants to stay and the other is not sure
• An affair from years ago still sits between you
• You want to decide whether to stay, without rushing

After an affair comes out

Tavistock Relationships describes what the hurt partner often goes through next. Anxiety and low mood are common. Many people replay every detail, or keep checking where their partner is.

The partner who had the affair can find this hard to live alongside. The constant questions can feel smothering. They may feel regret and remorse, even if the affair felt necessary at the time.

Couples therapy gives these conversations a place to happen. A couples therapist takes neither side, and slows the talk down so each of you can be heard.

Source: Tavistock Relationships: infidelity

Can a relationship survive an affair?

Relate says an affair is often a sign of a deeper problem in the relationship, rather than the whole problem. It says that with the right support, couples can get past one.

In a Relate survey, a third of the public thought a relationship could survive an affair. 94% of Relate counsellors thought it could.

Tavistock Relationships says that when both partners commit to repair, many relationships survive and some grow stronger. For others, the affair ends the relationship. A therapist can help you reach either ending with care.

Sources: Relate: after an affair, Tavistock Relationships: infidelity

Does couples therapy help?

The research is small. One US trial of couples therapy included a small group of couples where there had been an affair.

Couples who had disclosed the affair started therapy more distressed than other couples. By the end of therapy they had caught up. Couples whose affair was still secret did not benefit.

Five years later, more of the affair couples had divorced. Those who stayed together were as satisfied as couples with no affair. One small study shows that therapy can help, not that it will.

Source: Marín et al. 2014

Working on it alone

You can get support on your own, whichever side of the affair you are on. Your partner does not need to agree to it.

If you were hurt, sessions on your own give you room to work out what you want. If you had the affair, they give you room for the guilt and for what led there. Relate suggests individual work for someone who cannot forgive themselves.

Some people start alone and bring their partner in later. Some never do. Both are ways to begin.

Source: Relate: guilt after cheating

When couples therapy is not the right start

If an affair has come with threats, control or fear, couples therapy is not a safe place to begin. Our couples page explains why, and lists services that help.

Who to look for

Look for a professional who names couples or relationship work in their profile. Ask how they work with an affair, and how often they see couples.

Many couples therapists also see each of you alone. Our couples page covers what to ask about something you say in those sessions.

If you are coming on your own, look for a professional who works with relationships and with loss of trust. You can say as much or as little as you like in a first message.