Low Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is the opinion you hold of yourself. When it is low, that opinion is harsh, and it colours what you try and what you avoid. The NHS says we can develop new ways of seeing ourselves at any age.

Low self-esteem is not a diagnosis. It is a pattern, and a professional can help you see it and loosen it. This page explains where it comes from, what it does and what talking therapy offers.

Source: NHS: raising self-esteem

Where it comes from

The NHS traces low self-esteem back to messages we took in early, often in childhood. Teachers, friends, siblings, parents and the media all leave a mark. A child who was told they were not good enough often grows into an adult who tells themselves the same.

It can also start later. Stress, a serious illness or a bereavement can knock the opinion you hold of yourself. So can years of setting yourself impossibly high standards, or struggling to meet other people's.

Some people are simply more prone to negative thinking. That is not a flaw. It is a habit of mind, and habits can be worked on.

Source: NHS: raising self-esteem

What it does to you

Low self-esteem tends to shrink your life. The NHS says people with low self-esteem often hide from social situations and avoid new challenges. Avoiding them feels safe, but it confirms the doubt, and the circle tightens.

Left alone, it can feed depression and anxiety. Some people reach for smoking or drinking to quiet the inner critic. Our anxiety page covers the worry that often travels with it.

Source: NHS: raising self-esteem

How it sounds

You may recognise some of these:

• You say things to yourself you would never say to a friend
• You read a compliment as politeness and a criticism as the truth
• You turn down what you want because you expect to fail
• You apologise for taking up space
• You measure yourself against everyone and always come second

None of these are facts about you. They are the voice of an opinion formed a long time ago.

What helps

The NHS lists practical steps you can take on your own:

• Notice the negative beliefs, then look for evidence that challenges them
• Write down things you are good at, and things others say you do well
• Spend more time with people who treat you well
• Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend
• Learn to say no when you want to
• Give yourself a challenge you can meet

These are simple to read and hard to do alone. The critical voice has had years of practice, and it does not go quiet because you asked it to.

Source: NHS: raising self-esteem

What talking therapy can do

The NHS names counselling and cognitive behavioural therapy as treatments for low self-esteem. If you live in England, you can refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies.

Elsewhere in the UK, ask a GP what talking therapy your area offers.

Cognitive behavioural therapy works on the beliefs underneath the criticism and tests them against what is true. A person-centred counsellor offers something different: you are accepted as you are, which is often what was missing. Being heard without judgement often changes how you hear yourself.

Sources: NHS: raising self-esteem, NHS: talking therapies

Who to look for

Look for a professional who names self-esteem, self-worth or confidence in their profile. Ask how they work with self-criticism, and whether they set homework between sessions. Neither answer is wrong, as long as it suits you.

If you choose to see someone privately, the NHS advises checking they are professionally registered. Every professional found through us has been through that check.

Many people wait, because asking for help feels like another thing they are not good enough at. Tell us how you talk to yourself, and we will find someone who can help you talk back.

Source: NHS: raising self-esteem