Anger

Anger is a normal feeling, and sometimes a useful one. It becomes a problem when it comes too fast, too often or too hard, and costs you things you love. Many people who ask for help with anger are also ashamed of it, and that shame keeps them quiet.

The NHS lists things you can try yourself, and when to see a GP. This page explains what anger does to you, what sets it off and what talking therapy offers.

Source: NHS: anger

How it feels

The NHS describes what anger does to the body: a faster heartbeat, tense muscles, clenched fists and a tight chest. In the mind it shows up as feeling tense, unable to relax or easily irritated. It can also feel like humiliation, or resentment of other people.

In behaviour, the NHS lists shouting, ignoring people or sulking, starting fights, breaking things and self-harming. Not everyone who struggles with anger shouts. Some go cold and silent, and that lands on the people around them just as hard.

Source: NHS: anger

What sets it off

The NHS says people often feel angry when they feel treated unfairly, threatened, disrespected or interrupted. What turns that spark into a fire depends on what else is going on:

• How much stress you are already carrying
• What anger looked like in the family you grew up in
• Past trauma, which can lead to angry outbursts
• Alcohol or drug use

Poor sleep sharpens all of it. If your nights are short, our sleep page may be part of the answer.

Source: NHS: anger

Anger and feeling small

Anger often sits on top of something softer. Feeling humiliated is on the NHS list of what anger feels like. Many people find their worst flashes come when they feel small, exposed or not good enough.

If that sounds familiar, our self-esteem page covers the opinion underneath. Working on that can take the heat out of the anger without ever discussing the anger at all.

Source: NHS: anger

What you can try first

The NHS lists things that help many people in the moment:

• Count to 10 before you respond
• Try calming breathing exercises
• Join a peer support group
• Talk to someone you trust about what set you off
• Exercise regularly, whether running, walking, swimming or yoga
• Use mindfulness to notice the feeling before it takes over

The NHS also names what makes anger worse: reaching for alcohol, cigarettes, gambling or drugs to cope. They quiet it for an evening and feed it for a year.

Source: NHS: anger

What talking therapy can do

The NHS says to see a GP if you are struggling to manage your anger. The same applies if you have felt low for more than two weeks.

The NHS names anger management programmes, which may involve one-to-one counselling and group work, and cognitive behavioural therapy. If you live in England, you can refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies.

Elsewhere in the UK, ask a GP what talking therapy your area offers.

Cognitive behavioural therapy works on the split second between the trigger and the reaction, and widens it. A counsellor looks at where it came from. Many people find that once the anger is understood, it has less to do.

Sources: NHS: anger, NHS: talking therapies

Who to look for

Look for a professional who names anger in their profile, and ask how they work with it. Ask whether sessions are solo, with a partner, or both. If the anger mostly lands on your relationship, our couples page covers what happens when the strain sits between you.

If anger has hurt someone

Some anger has already crossed a line, or come close. The NHS says to see a GP if you have been abusive or violent. If you have hurt someone, or you are afraid you will, tell a professional today, not after the next time.

Our UK crisis page lists people you can talk to at any hour, including if the anger has turned inward.

Asking for help with anger is hard, and most people leave it too long. Tell us what sets it off and what it costs you, and we will find the right person.

Source: NHS: anger